What Happens When a Sad Extrovert is Stuck At Home?

[Kitty humor for dark times]

Nothing great! Except just maybe Life's Better In Yoga Pants will come out earlier than anticipated (it will be a great beach read!).

And, as someone who has been running outside in shorts, I've been playing a really fun game after every run of "are these sniffles from corona, a cold, because I was crying again or because I just ran in the rain in the cold in shorts?" Sniffles aren't a sign of corona so it's obvi one or all of the other three. 

Being home, while being sad and an extrovert, is not an ideal situation. When attempting to recover from trauma, narcissistic abuse, abandonment, etc,  mandatory almost-lockdown is my worst nightmare. And the fact of the matter is (despite that they live together, unsure of accuracy on that but based on past patterns...) they're quarantined together, and with the cutest four-legged friend. And I'm continuously left with the wtf feeling. Because, surprise, that doesn't go away. And the more you're home, and alone, the more it still doesn't make sense (even though it does because NPD/BPD actions are mostly the same over and over again).

I read this quote, a portion of a longer post, and I hope it can help put things into perspective a little more for my friends who didn't get it. One thing I've really learned is that if you haven't been through it it's impossible to understand. Even when my friend I mentioned in a previous post was going through it, I didn't quite get it until I, unfortunately, experienced it myself.

"In a healthy/non-NPD relationship, it's normal to miss the other person even after a breakup. Optimally a breakup will happen in mutual agreement (even if it was initiated by one person only) and the parties still care about each other and consider the other an important person in their life, often even try to help each other. With a narcissist, you are discarded as though you are valueless trash. It feels bewildering, it makes you question your worth as a person and takes the bottom off of the whole relationship. It is normal to seek closure, but a narcissist won't give it to you. Instead, you are left ruminating, trying to piece the puzzle on your own, and alas - you are faced with all of the lies, which leads to further ruminating. So you become stuck in this mode unless you… somehow stop ruminating."

It's incredible how hard it is to stop ruminating. It's harder to fathom the cheating. It's difficult to swallow that he was pretending the moment he met me. And the fact that I'm the only one who perceived this was real? Forget it, that's an instant downward spiral. The corona lockdown has given me way too much time to go backwards which really, really sucks because...

[Turned my live photo into a gif...shoulder shrugs = hmph]

My spring racing season was over before it started. I had two big goal races for this spring and within 30 minutes of each other on Friday that got postponed. I'm super grateful that my races didn't get completely canceled and I commend the race directors who have worked tirelessly to ensure we didn't lose hundreds of dollars. Even if that means some people will be running 5 World Marathon Majors within 2 months. 

Because life is digital now, I did a video call with my PT so we could go over a plan where I can still try to focus on my goals even when all of my goal races are now within 1.5 months of each other. 

[13.76 miles to mourn out now non-existent race season]

For now, I get to keep training as usual. One of the things we talked about was taking this extra time to figure out which speed workouts I like the most to add them into my training plan. And to not go over 10 miles for Saturday long runs. Peaking early = a very tired start to training = a terrible race season. 

I've also been told to do a lot of Pilates to combat a minor heel whip so it wouldn't hurt to come out of this lockdown with some abs. So once this weird week of exhaustion and new routine sets in, that's what I'll be doing! 

For now, it's running, work and writing. I've set up a few virtual wine dates to try and combat what's going on but I can assure you it won't be easy. Remember to check in on your friends at home going through shit alone, they're struggling! 

XO,
Lynette

New Month, Same Me

February flew by, a much welcome change from January. But the month was definitely filled with pain and sadness for a multitude of reasons. Fortunately, I had a few things to keep myself busy but as usual, it doesn't change much.

I talked to one of my best friends who I haven't had a conversation with in a long time last week. It was nice to catch up with her and get to hear a fresh perspective on things. We put bi-weekly calls on our calendars which was nice. 

For some reason, last month everyone's solution to make me feel better was "well if he did what he did to you, he'll do it to her too eventually." I don't wish this on anyone, I've said it once and I'll say it a million other times. I don't wish cheating (terrified to know exactly how many times that happened), lying (texting your ex and deleting the convo, creating random scenarios that never happened, etc), NPD, gaslighting, confusion, abrupt leaving, no closure, etc. on anyone. I don't wish what I've been feeling all these months on a single soul. 

And no he won't do it too her to, despite what everyone thinks and articles say. Why? Because if you do something so horrific and traumatizing to someone, and don't give a flying fuck that the manner in which you did something was wrong and acknowledge that, you've got to be damn sure you made the right decision (congrats girl).

What's been the only thing that's occasionally helping me? Pounding pavement. Track workouts specifically have made a difference, if only for 40 minutes a week.

I did all morning workouts this week including hills and, blech, mile repeats. After a few tempo runs Coach Jessica snuck the worst workout ever onto my cal. Reluctantly, I made my way to the track to totally crush those repeats. I ended up being under pace which felt great but it was only because I didn't check what was on the calendar before I left. 

My pace still isn't where it needs to be, but there's still 7 weeks plus a 10K race until the big day. I'm hoping to at least come within 5 minutes of my PR...if anything just for a little ego prep for fall training. 

[My new baby goat friend]

I'm excited to finally have my Athleta class locked down...and for getting more chapters in my book done! Stay tuned for more training updates and a link to the Athleta class.

XO,
Lynette